I share this very private testimony about my desperate struggles in the hope it may bless someone.
I wrote it 1 Dec 2011…3 days later I discovered a truth about God that had been hidden from me all my life….
I am still writing about that truth today.
The other day I said this to a friend….
“I have had this experience all my walk in God. A
sense that I am not walking on the right path..like there is another parallel path behind
an invisible wall right next to me. I cannot see it, the truth, cannot find it, am blinded, but
cannot discern the cause of my blindness. Raised as a heathen, but with hidden ideas
about God and how it all must be.”
I also said to my friend, …
“I am, ready to let go and suffer the loss of all things that I may
gain Christ, never having fully had him in my understanding or consciousness, though I
have Him in me.”
“I dont care what the cost…got to have Him and see clearly, to have no blockage to love.”
What can block the flow of God’s love in our hearts? Believing Lies. Similar to a computer.
If your computer is acting strangely, you may have a virus of some sort that is interfering
with the running processes. These viruses re-write the registry of the computer to remain
hidden and to gain access to the whole system. The computer may work fine most of the
time, but have times when it throws up a problem like a blue screen crash. We just restart
it and keep going. But what is causing the problem? The hidden virus with it’s malicious
program is like a slow acting poison.
We have all been poisoned to some degree by lies. Yet, Jesus Christ is The Truth and the
truth is in Jesus. The Spirit of Truth will lead us into all truth, or all that there is of Jesus
for us. To walk in truth is to walk as Jesus walked. He walked knowing at the deepest level
of consciousness that He and the Father were one person, side by side, perfect. There is no
fear in love, for perfect love casts out all fear.
Jesus walked in perfect love. He knew perfect love from the Father.
He rested in it, it is His very being. His inner self is love. He is love.
If Jesus had behaved in a way that would be sinful, it would have revealed that He knew
not God’s love, for God is love. As the Father, so the Son. Love. Seen Me, you’ve seen the
Father. Jesus knew who He was. He lived out of that place. The inner knowledge of being
love and being perfectly loved was His life flow. He just was. Love just is.
Satan is sent that we might have settled in us who we are by being exposed to who we are not.
He tries to sow into our hearts lies concerning the image of the Father. He himself lives in lies about God.
I have no doubt that Satan imagines God hates him, loathes him and wants to destroy him.
I also know, that Lucifer thinks God wishes He never made him at all.
How do I know these things? Because these are the lies that torment me at times. Of course
these thoughts are not from my Father, but from my old father, Satan. His thinking
permeates me at times so much that it has almost killed me. I know I am not the only one
who has this battle. Satan’s thinking manifests itself all over the world that he influences.
We have psychologists who make a good income from trying to rid people of his thinking.
Job 2:4 So Satan answered the LORD and said, “Skin for skin! Yes, all that a
man has he will give for his life.
Job 2:5 But stretch out Your hand now, and touch his bone and his flesh, and he will
surely curse You to Your face!”
Job 3:3 “May the day perish on which I was born, And the night in which it was said,
‘A male child is conceived.’
Job 3:11 “Why did I not die at birth? Why did I not perish when I came from the
Job 3:13 For now I would have lain still and been quiet, I would have been asleep;
Then I would have been at rest!
Job was being tormented by the thinking of Satan. His body was suffering, he had lost his
wealth, his children and the support of his wife. Satan had said to God that Job “will surely
curse YOU to your face”. Yet Job did not exactly do that. He began cursing himself, the
very image of God!
Personally I have done both. I have cursed myself with words just like
Jobs’ and also done what Satan said Job would do. I have cursed God to His face. Shocked?
Oh well. God is bigger than that. He will have His way with all of us. Where does such
negative behaviour come from?
The way we behave can reveal to us that something is wrong with our image of God. We try
to correct our behaviour so as to bring it into line with what God is like, only to find that we
cannot hold ourself together when pressure comes. Sometimes the pressure comes from
within, sometimes from without. The good thing is, the pressure will reveal problems with
the way we view God. When we consider that we will inevitably portray or live out from the
image we have of God , then it is important that we have the right image. The pressure that
God sent Job’s way was not to destroy him but to bless him in the end.
There is no other way it seems for us to come into new understandings of God. Unless we
are brought to the end of ourself we cannot hear or see what God wants us to. We will
continue on our pathway, never seeing that right alongside us is the true, purer pathway
where love is.
Eye has not seen it, ear has not heard, and it hasn’t even entered our brain
how different it is on that pathway. But God reveals the hidden things to us by His
indwelling Spirit. He breaks up the fallow rock strewn ground, and uproots the tree stumps
pulling out each root till the field is clean. We cannot do it, but He will. Just give Him
permission. In the end, Job admitted that he only heard of God by the ear….he had a gap in his first hand
knowledge of God. He had a lot of head knowledge like his 3 friends. That may have made
him a great man in the eyes of men…but God knows our emptiness. God wants us to enter
into His inheritance of perfect love at the deepest level of our being. Our spirit knows…but
our soul only knows zip!!when it comes down to it. It was not a head knowing with
Jesus…it was his reality..his all…it was his life or world. We don’t have any way to get into
that world other than full reliance on God. It is interesting that Job wanted to die or to
never have been born so that he could find rest. Yet it is in knowing the Father that we find
true rest. That knowing can not happen until we have died to any idea that we are separate
“All things have been delivered to Me by My Father, and no one knows the Son
except the Father. Nor does anyone know the Father except the Son, and the one to
whom the Son wills to reveal Him. Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy
laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am
gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy
and My burden is light.” Mat 11:27-30
Jesus will reveal the Father to our hearts. Without this revelation or deep, restful knowing,
we will stay in torment and striving to please an unpleasable god – satan.
Coming to Jesus is not just a salvation prayer said years ago…rather it is a turning in your heart to see
yourself as one person with Christ. You may have been born anew years ago and confess
Jesus as your Lord…but do you know rest? That is the whole idea, that you would know
rest. It is only found in the revealing of the Father to our hearts.
These are the things that go through my mind when the darkness of anger and depression
come over me. Not anything to do with my natural fathers, but the Father – God.
I have been a believer since I was 28. But have had many troubles in my soul. I admit, I
have been battling depression for a number of years now. I have been suicidal at times,
consumed with angry, self hating thoughts which turn to God hating thoughts. Hence the
search in my life for the Father’s love.
“Why bother with you God!!? “You are not really my father…you are not interested in me….you
don’t want to be there for me….you don’t care about me! You abandoned me!!”
Of course the scriptures teach the opposite about God…but the lies in the wound speak louder at
times of pressure.
It is great to know Jesus, it is wonderful to have one who sticks closer than a brother.
But only knowing the Father can soothe the soul.
My Brother encourages me, He teaches me, He is wonderful…but to know Him as Father?
That is where it is at. When these angry
outbursts rule me and I storm off to my patch of forest to vent it all….the words that come
out of the wound betray the lies that have been sown into my heart from birth. (of course I
do not mean that any in my immediate family sowed anything, but unseen forces).
I know as I write that some of you will be very concerned for me and maybe pray for
me….good!! I need it! Others though will relate with me and this will be helping you
immensely. You see, I have seen in the spirit that there is another path of life next to me,
but out of reach. It is is the Father’s way…or the Father’s house….or the Father’s love…it is
And He has done it I know….but it does us no good to know it is done on the cross,
when we have lies built into us that keep us in darkness. Out with them Lord!! Expose
every dark way in me, every lie about Your character. Pull out every root of the tree of
shame from my heart!! I give you full permission.
When the image of God is marred it will show up in our lives. We are the image of God. If
we do not love and cherish ourselves, it is because we do not know the Love God has for us.
This is where He has led me these last weeks. Oh, we know that we died on the cross and
all that pain and shame died with us. We know that we now live as one person with
Him….but do we know? So God will have his way. To see clearly, first we admit that we
cannot see at all.
You see, we are very good at pretending to be alright. We call it faith. God knows all.
He is a good gardener, he knows where the weeds and roots and rocks are.